


A Far Greater Sacrifice

by EdosianOrchids901



Series: Plain Simple Prompts [22]
Category: Star Trek: Deep Space Nine
Genre: Angst, Arguing, M/M, POV Elim Garak, POV First Person, Post-Episode: s06e19 In The Pale Moonlight, Relationship Problems
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-14
Updated: 2018-09-14
Packaged: 2019-07-12 04:06:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,274
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15987287
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/EdosianOrchids901/pseuds/EdosianOrchids901
Summary: Dialogue prompt: "I know I shouldn't be here."





	A Far Greater Sacrifice

**Author's Note:**

> Part of a series of ficlets based on dialogue prompts from Tumblr. Written 3/18.

Even though I’d expected it, the fury on Julian’s face when he spotted me still made me ache. “Garak,” he said flatly, stepping the rest of the way inside.

“I apologize for the intrusion. I know I shouldn’t be here.” I’d debated for the entire day about whether or not to go to see him. Eventually, my longing and desire for connection had won out, and I’d come to his quarters, waiting for him to come home. 

He drew a long breath, looking at me without any of his usual fondness. “What do you want?”

Mouth suddenly so dry that it was difficult to talk, I gave an aimless wave of my hand. “I wanted to speak with you, to apologize.”

Julian’s jaw clenched. “There’s not really anything you can say.”

“I know, I just…” Unable to remain seated any longer, I pushed upright and paced to the viewport. “I wanted to explain why I did it.”

“Garak, I know why you did it.” He slammed his padd down on the table. “You told me already. Sisko wanted your help to get the Romulans into the war.”

He may know, but did he truly understand? Did he know how desperate I was to turn the war around? Did he understand the Cardassian drive to accomplish the goal by any means necessary?

“When you give a Cardassian a task,” I began carefully, still hoping to salvage our relationship, “they’ll do anything to–” 

“You turned over eighty-five liters of bio-mimetic gel to someone intending to use it for god knows what!” Julian exploded, taking a few long strides and getting right in my face. “You involved me in this, Garak! You involved your partner in this!”

“You were ordered to provide the gel, it’s not as if you’re liable for–” 

“That doesn’t matter!” He didn’t generally yell at me, and I found myself unable to do much more than stare at him, my spirits sinking lower and lower. “Do you know what they could do with that much gel? Do you even care? And do you care that you forced me to hand it over? I almost died because of bio-mimetic gel once! Do you remember that?”

Of course, I remembered – I’d agonized over bringing the request to Sisko for precisely those reasons. “Yes,” I whispered. The pain of nearly losing Julian to the Lethean’s attack still felt fresh, even though it had been over three years since that day.

“Then how could you do this?” Anger was no longer the predominant emotion in his eyes. Now it was accompanied by hurt and betrayal, things I found much more distressing. I’d never, ever wanted to hurt him. “Garak, how could you do this to me? I would have died to keep it out of the hands of criminals. I nearly did. But you forced me to provide it. So, whatever horrid things they do with it are my fault too.”

“Hardly, Doctor. I believe the responsibility rests with myself and Captain Sisko.”

“It doesn’t matter! You pulled me into your damn scheme, not even caring that I’d be party to genetic experiments, biogenic weapons. And you expect me to listen to you trying to justify it?”

My heart wilted. That was it, then. Of all the sacrifices I’d made for Cardassia, this was the worst. I’d hurt a good man and driven away perhaps the only person who had ever truly loved me for who I was. 

I couldn’t bring myself to reply, all my fight gone. It was like a gaping wound had opened up in my chest, draining away all my life and passion. 

“Garak!” he snapped, enraged again. “What the hell do you have to say for yourself?”

There was no point. What I’d done was indefensible, and he would never forgive me. Not this time. 

At my continued failure to respond, absolute fury flooded him. He grabbed me by the arms and gave me a hard shake. “Garak, you owe me an answer!”

Was he going to strike me? It’s not as though I wouldn’t deserve it. And perhaps it would make him feel better. “It’s all right if you hit me,” I heard myself say. “I’d deserve it.”

Julian released me immediately, jerking back and staring at me with bewildered confusion. “What?” 

Being hit seemed like the logical conclusion to this conversation, especially after how Sisko had reacted. “You’re right. I did drag you into this. I never intended to hurt you, but I have. I’ve utterly failed you. It’s all right if you need to strike me. I understand.”

He blinked several times and licked his lips, looking dazed. Carefully, he touched my cheek, and I flinched. “Elim, I’m not gonna hurt you,” he murmured. “I’m not Sisko. And I’m not Tain either, for that matter.”

“That’s most gratifying.” I didn’t know what to say or do now.

He drew a shaky breath, swaying slightly. “I’m not really feeling well.”

“I apologize. I’ve subjected you to considerable stress.” I took his hands, leading him to the couch and sitting both of us down. “My dear?”

He wiped at his eyes, and I realized he was in tears. “Elim, I’m sorry.”

“Oh, Julian, no!” I laid my hand on the side of his head, panicked. Had I manipulated him, even unintentionally? “You needn’t apologize. Your anger is well justified and directed at the correct party. I knew what I was doing. I knew it would upset you, and I went ahead with it anyway.”

With another long, shaky breath, he looked at me. “The worst part is that I understand exactly why you did it. I understand why you did all of it. But it still hurts.”

“I know.” I swallowed hard, trying not to notice that I was trembling. “I apologize again, Julian. I won’t ask you to forgive me, and I won’t trouble you any further.”

“Elim?” He caught my arm as I tried to stand. “Where are you going?”

To attempt to drink myself into a stupor. “Away. I know you’re furious with me. I won’t bother you, I promise. And…” I hesitated, unsure how to express my complicated web of emotions. “Thank you for all the kindness you showed me while we were together. I’m sorry that I did such a poor job of repaying you.”

I attempted to step away, and he held on tighter. “I don’t want you to go,” he whispered, distressed.

“You don’t?” I didn’t understand.

“No, I don’t.” He tugged on my arm and I sank back to the couch, confused. “I’m angry with you, yeah. But I don’t wanna lose you, Elim.”

My breath rushed out and I dropped my head, so relieved that I could barely comprehend what was happening. “I… thank you. I don’t want to lose you either, but I fear I’ve damaged our relationship beyond repair.”

“No.” He lifted my chin, gazing at me. “It’s not beyond repair. Things might be rough for a while – there’s a lot to process. But you’re too important to me to just let you go, even over something like this.”

“I do care,” I said softly, forcing myself to maintain eye contact. “I care that I hurt you. I knew this would be deeply upsetting for you. I agonized over it. But in the end, there was no other way. I tried everything else.”

He gave a slow nod, and then rested his forehead against mine. “I believe you, Elim. It’s just gonna take me some time, that’s all.”

“More than understandable, and much appreciated.” I didn’t deserve another chance, didn’t deserve his forgiveness. But, as always, he gave it nonetheless.


End file.
